Hey, YOU, help yourself
to imagining drinking out of a plastic cup that's red on the outside (no
comment on if that's the pigment it always had), because you are now part of
and semiformally welcomed to the email celebration of
Balloon Co. still existing!
A while ago, we woke up
to find a person in a suit knocking on our door. Our lawyers
instinctively readied for battle, but we told them to "stand down"
and "lower their harpoon launchers" because we were sure that anyone
who would come all this way to visit must be one of those awesome obsessive
fans with lots of money that those articles about cell phone games always talk
about when our subscription to "Hunting Whales Monthly" gets
mixed up with someone's "Hunting Really Rich People Who For Some Reason
Pay To Play Games That Are Free When They Could Buy Like A Million Normal Games
Instead For The Price They Pay To Defeat Other People And Wear Pink Afros
Bimonthly." So we rushed to the door, saw who was there, and
then VERY QUICKLY SLAMMED THAT DOOR SHUT! We were
right that it was a super rich person, but it was an assistant for our dreaded
nemeses/caretakers: the big powdered wigs that run Balloon Co. [all the
divisions]. Then, the door we had just slammed reverse
slammed us in the face because we forgot to follow up our barricading combo with
a finishing blow to the door-locking button, leaving us vulnerable!
He rushed in, gave a long
sigh, and put some on the ground before blurting out as fast as he could
"Here is your company present to help celebrate your 10 year
anniversary. Thank you for being with us for so long. We look forwACK" He started gaging and his face got
really sweaty. "Look forwAHUHd, forward to working with youACK HUGH in the
years to come." He then ran to his private chopper and flew away
just out of harpoon reach of Fyodor's """""Warning
shot."""""
After learning that
Balloon Co [gaming division] was having a birthday, we decided to PARTY!
Ironically, we couldn't decorate the place with inflatable rubber that floats,
BUT we DID run outside and light ten birthday campfires, one of which became
the forest variety. After making a wish and blowing up our birthday fires
(except for the forest one because we didn't have enough TNT to surround
it). We then came back inside to dance illegal rips of our own game
music.
After the dance, we sat
around and things got real a bit too quickly. Maybe it was the homebrew
bearberry schnapps we were all guzzling, but we started to get really
sad. We were no longer the young hip company we used to be. Back in
the day, we were constantly working on some quality electronic entertainment,
but our mandatory "learn how to program in a REAL computer sign
language" sentence handed down to us has bogged us down. Also,
another year went by without an E3 invitation, AND
EVEN WORSE, WE FOUND OUT THAT THIS YEAR E3 BARELY HAD ANY GOOD STUFF, SO BY THE
TIME WE DO GET AN INVITE, ALL THE
COOL COMPANIES WILL HAVE GRADUATED AND START HANGING OUT WITH AT SOME CLUB
WHILE WE'RE STUCK HANGING OUT WITH THE DORKY FRESHMEN BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN HELD
BACK FOR 10 YEARS. Normally, our EMS cheers us
up, but we didn't even have a 15 minute demo to
showcase. We were having a midlife crisis. So we did what other
successful video game creation companies do when they have a midlife
crisis: STOP MAKING GAMES AND START WORKING ON PIMPING OUT AN AWESOME
WEBSITE! The people who pirated Water Vapor, the client we
use to get all our pirated Steam games, used to make video games, but now they
just make a website to distribute video games. We realized we could do
the same thing, ONLY BETTER, and, we could show off our
website for the ELECTRONIC MEDIA SHOWCASE: BACK IN BUSINESS AND
REVAMPED FOR A NEW ERA!
So, here is a summary for
features our website, Hydrogen Flow [a Balloon Co gaming division store
and more website], we showed off at our very official conference contained:
1.) Purchase multiple
games for free with ANY CURRENCY*
You
heard that right! At Balloon Co. [gaming division] we are dedicated to keep up
with the modern world. For too long, people have ignored our amazing
games, and we've figured out why: THEY GET CONFUSED WHEN WE DON'T ASK FOR THEIR
CREDIT CARD INFORMATION! So, with this website, YOU CAN NOW ENTER
IN A BUNCH OF NUMBERS AND FEEL THE THRILL OF NOT BEING
CHARGED ANYTHING! We accept a lack of dollars, we accept a lack of
rubies, we accept a lack of yen, we accept a lack of valuable seashells, and we
even accept PICTURES OF AN I.O.U. THAT SAY "I O U NOTHING!"
That's right, any currency* you do or do not possess, we are here to not take
any of it away from you.
*Note: Unfortunately,
Balloon Co. is not, and does not plan, to accept a "lack of Bitcoins"
because we don't even know what they are.
2.) The ability to
purchase and review games THAT DON'T EVEN EXIST!
We've noticed that a lot
of people on the virtual highway enjoy indulging in the noble art of being
REALLY ANGRY ABOUT GAMES THEY'VE NEVER PLAYED! Since a lot of people can
get angry about games they've never played, we decided it would be basically
the same to allow people to complain about games they own AND never played...
since there is no game! Wouldn't you love to complain about how easy mode
got added to Super Hardcore Game 2: The Sequel Where We Realize We Made
It Too Hard? Or how about ranting about how The Best Game
Ever had controls that could only be understood via a full PhD course
in video game movement? And finally, how would you like to be one of the
lucky few to own the most critically acclaimed non-existed game ever: PT
BY HIDEOUS COCOJIMA!!! And the first to write a review that says
"Psh, over hyped piece of garbage. I
didn't even pee my pants and run out of the room ONE TIME. Horror game,
more like SNORER GAME. @/10, not nearly as good as a Balloon Co. [gaming
division] game. I started living outside and was too frightened to set
foot into a home for 10 YEARS after playing that haunted house level.”
3.) Super Radtastic Rewards for Playing Our Games!
What
could be more rewarding than playing a Balloon Co. game? Nothing.
BUT we could give you more stuff on top of the all encompassing exciting
experience of our electronic ecstasy! So, we decided that, by playing our
game, you could earn digital CANDY! That's like getting to ride a roller
coaster, and when you get to the top, you get a GIANT CARD OF CHOCOLATE WITH A
BALLOON CO CHARACTER ON IT! Not only that, but if you get a full set of a
particular candy, you can TRADE THEM IN FOR A HIGHER NUMBER NEXT TO YOUR USERNAME!
But we're not done yet. Unlike other stores that give you digital stuff
for playing games, you can PLAY A GAME WITH OURS! Its called Throw
Virtual Candy at Strangers to Make the Number by their Username Go Down! And
when you play that game, since it is a Balloon Co game, you EARN MORE
CANDY! We see no possible problems with this candy-based economy!
4.) Ballooniis
As was stated before, we
have a holy and unsanctioned pledge to never make games that cost money.
However, when we get a little bit tipsy (as well as fall on the floor drooling-sy) our minds start to wander to loop holes. Our
accountant Boris was trying to weave a lampshade into a ski mask so he could
wear it over his head when he blurted out, "Ysh
know WhAt we coulddo ta make a lilmore MOney? My buddy, I love him, I love him SO much, his
name is, uh, I love him so much, he has a market where, like, artistssss sell wood sculpturrrres.
What ifffff, iff we combine
a sculpture, with a videogame?" First, we consulted our lawyers on
if this would break our most sacred vow (his response: "Probably
not"). Then we got to work scrapping that stupid wood idea and
instead settled on only the best for the best video accessory: High quality
glass sculptures of Balloon Co characters! Here's the coolest thing
though, we added a microchip into the sculpture. All you have to do a A) Play a Balloon Co game, B) Throw your sculpture at your
computer, and when it shatters, the microchip beats the game for you! So
say you had a glass figurine of Director Rideo and
you were playing Mighty Matt the video game. If you threw your sculpture
at the computer, it would beat the game EVEN THOUGH THE GAME ISN'T EVEN
FINISHED BEING MADE THAT'S HOW COOL IT IS! And since someone once said
our games have the concept of being addicting down, imagine all the times
they'll want to beat the game without playing it and have to buy new Balooniis! (Also, our legal team advises us to tell you
it's pronounced BA-LOON-IS, not BA-LOON-EYS). But Boris's stupid idea we
turned into a great idea was just about to get better due to the idea papa
himself. After sobering up Boris with some "outside swim time,"
he went into a room alone, and burst out with a giant chart. He showed us
that the amount of money we make depends on two things: supply and
demand. He plotted a graph and showed us that the slope of supply over
demand GOES TO INFINITY IF YOU DIVIDE BY ZERO BY HAVING ZERO SUPPLY
WHICH MEANS WE'D MAKE INFINITE MONEY FROM THE INFINITE DEMAND WE CAUSED AND ALL
WE HAVE TO DO IS PUT "sold out" or "out of stock" ON THE
BALLOONIIS SECTION OF OUR WEBSITE FOREVER! GENIOUS.
5.) Acknowledgements
So, one
weird thing that Water Vapor sometimes does is, when we're
playing a game and we do a thing, it will pop up a notification that say
"HEY, you DID A THING, and so you earned a THING THAT TELLS YOU THAT YOU
DID A THING." For example, we beat a level, and get the "YOU
BEAT THE LEVEL" pop up thing that then goes away, at the same time as the
game itself tells us we beat a level. That's really mildmodertatlycool,
but what if something existed that notified you about something you didn't
realize when you do a thing IS THE EXACT SORT OF
QUESTION YOU SAY BEFORE FLIPPING IT INTO A DECLARATIVE STATEMENT BY MAKING THE
THING YOU WERE ASKING ABOUT EXISTING EXIST!!! Thus,
Acknowledgements were born a few hours after the due date because since when
did Balloon Co deliver on time? (Note: This is NOT the sort of question that
leads to awesome question flipping). We were too lazy
to add them to our existing video games, but here are some we implemented with
the not-game website! Did you click on a link that lead away from the
store without buying anything? You earn the "You are
critiquing the foundations of capitalism" Acknowledgement!
Did you down vote a game review on the website? You earn a "You
care about the opinions of strangers who you will never meet" Acknowledgment!
Leave the Balloon Co. website on for several hours when you took a
really long potty break? You guessed it, you earn the "You are
creeping us out with your virtual stalkeriness
interest on the contact page, also you are using up enough power leaving your
computer on to probably cost you a couple cents in your power bill just
FYI" Acknowledgement! Also, since Acknowledgments are so
educational, and we at Balloon Co are dedicated to increasing education world
wide (EXCEPT IF IT'S IN A VIDEO GAME BECAUSE THAT IS A SACRILEGIOUS UNION),
whenever you earn an Acknowledgment, an email gets sent out to
everyone who has ever registered with the site informing them of your
Acknowledgement Ack-omplishment! Won't that be
an exciting discussion around the water cooler?!
And so, after our
prototypes and alpha builds and pre-release content was presented at the EMS,
we noticed that we never opened our present. When we opened it, we found
a voucher for a premade Balloon Co website by Balloon Co [website
division]. That's a LOT less work, so we tossed out our website into
whatever internet black hole swallowed up geocities, and filled out the voucher
with a bunch of personal information about us, our games, and the entirety of
our email correspondence with our fans (that last part gave most of us hand
cramps, BUT IT'S ALWAYS WORTH IT TO CRAMP YOU HAND FOR DA FANS!). We then
sent it off and assume that now, you amazing people, are now basking in the all
warming hot tub with bubbles that is
BALLOON CO. AMAZING
WEBSITE EDITION!
All this has inspired us
to work extra hard at finishing our "Learn to code in the language
Amethyst" assignment so we can get back to making you video games.
Of course, any amount of time learning more than zero seconds would be extra
for us, so THANK YOU FOR INSPIRING TO WORK one SECOND EXTRA THAN WE
NORMALLY DO! WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.
From everyone at BALLOON CO. [gaming division], have a happy happy "It's our birthday, it's our birthday, we just
partied because it's our birthday"-day!
Subject: Mighty Matt stars in his INTERNET GAMING DEBUT!
IT BEGAN AS THE BEST
SELLING VIDEO GAME OF ALL TIME...
Well, not really...
It's not even finished yet...
BUT STILL, THE TIME HAS
FINALLY COME FOR
MIGHTY MATT: THE VIDEO
GAME
INTERNET EDITION
Join Mighty Matt, the hero of imaginary world,
as he goes through the tribulations of monsters, boss battles, and really
cruddy programing and plot.
Be there, absorbing the massive graphics, awe
inspiring music, and the suspense of the MASSIVE CLIFFHANGER of the TO BE
CONTINUED...
No longer will you have to download this massive
game in all of its massive hard drive hogging glory.
Now, YOU can play the entire adventure ONLINE!
NO DOWNLOAD NECESSARY
(Except for a small, safe plugin)
LET ME REPEAT NO DOWNLOAD NECESSARY!
Now go, and experience it yourself
Tra la laaaaaaaaaaa!
Down load
plugin here: http://www.clickteam.com/vitalize4/download.html
Play game
here: http://www.geocities.com/pig_quest/onlinegame.html
To our loyal consumer,
Thank you for taking the
time out of your busy life to contact Balloon Co. about how you felt about our
product {Mighty Matt: the Video
Game}. We assure you that your opinion matters to us and will be
looked at by a lowly intern someday.
As part of our Customer
Appreciation program, our boss is making us give away our internetified
minigame collection for free. The music sensation Princess Alyssa's Dance
Party and the cut throat 2-player Rideo Rampage are now YOURS! Follow
these links to experience super small game ACTION!
http://www.geocities.com/pig_quest/dance.html
http://www.geocities.com/pig_quest/rr.html
Quick note: Rideo
Rampage has some small internetified formatting issues. We'll fix it
eventually.
Subject: Mighty Matt IZ BACK! New online update!
YOU WAITED. AND
WAITED. AAAAANNNNNDDDD WAITED!
YOU were ready for the
update of the year: the continuation of the epic saga of
MIGHTY MATT!
Well, now your waiting
has paid off. Summer time is THE time for all of the big budget movies to
come on screen and E3, showing off all the cool games of the future. But
who needs E3?(especially when they
didn't invite us) AND who needs movies or
the future when you can enjoy Mighty Matt RIGHT NOW!
We've kicked our top
game programmers off their lazy buts playing Wii in order to give you
MIGHTY MATT : THE VIDEO
GAME version 7.245. update
number, uh, like, 3 or something. our statistics people
don't really keep much track of this stuff
With this new update, we
have gone overboard to bring you the quality game play you've come to expect
from Balloon Co. We have now added more of our deep, complex musical
compositions to levels that have originally lacked them. We have enhanced
our player-immersion driven game play by adding sound effects so real YOU'LL
THINK YOUR IN THE GAME AND FORGET TO WALK YOUR DOG!
Are you ready to dive
into the fiery depths of a fiery volcano? Are you fired up to fire your
weapon at fiery monsters with realistic fiery GRAFIX!?!?
ARE YOU READY FOR A
CLIFFHANGER SO SUSPENSEFUL, IT'S LIKE THE CLIFF WAS ON TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE
BUILDING, THE ROPE YOU DESPERATELY CLING TO IS SNAPPING, AND YOUR HANDS ARE
ALL SWEATY!?!?^!?!*!?!?!:)!?!??!!??
If you have taken all
the necessary precautions and are, in fact, READY, then proceed
to the Mighty Matt website by following the link below.
First time playing
Mighty Matt online? Well, then just follow the link below the Mighty Matt
link to download the plug-in to play the game. Don't worry, its a safe
plug-in. Our lawyers told us so, and we trust our lawyers*.
Play game here: http://www.geocities.com/pig_quest/onlinegame.html
Download plug-in here: http://www.clickteam.com/vitalize4/download.html
Don't forget to tell us
what you think. Our favorite coffee break pass time is making fun of the
e-mails we receive from disgruntled consumers.
*Disclaimer:
The reason we trust our lawyers is that they threatened to sue us if we
don't trust them, and since we don't want to be sued by our lawyers and not
have any lawyers to protect us from the lawsuit, we've decided that it is in
the best interest of the company to trust them.
Subject: Might Matt (Website) update (not game)
Sound the trumpets, pack the bags, make sure
you've got grandpa because
Mighty Matt the video
game has just moved to a new site!
Now, we bet you're asking yourself, "Balloon
Co, I've had such a great time playing your amazin-awsome games on your
original site without a single problem. Why change that?"
Dear customers, we had a good gig, but sometimes
we need to make changes. In life, you face hardships, you grow, you
mature, and sometimes some DIRTY ROTTEN SEA-BASS DEER-TURDS STOP HOSTING YOUR SITE FOR FREE!
We first learned about the problem when one of
our interns actually checked our e-mail. Apparently, geocites sent a
message that they would stop hosting free accounts about a month before they
dropped the service. That gave us a good laugh, and we explained to him
that Balloon Co is a business, and that those rules only apply to introverts
living in their parents' basement blogging about cats. Business are much
too important to follow rules like that, or pay taxes. Well, a month
later, our bug tester tried to access the website only to find it gone.
He came screaming into lounge and interrupted our card game to tell us
the news. After firing the messenger, we scrambled to come up with a
solution. We threatened them with a lawsuit, but they called our bluff, and
apparently they have more than just one lawyer. We decided not to risk
that, against the wishes of our lawyer (he was itching to fight). Instead,
we tried random free site hosting sites that's names did not begin with geo and
end in stupidbutfaces.com. Almost every site tried
to squeeze down our game, or wouldn't even let us edit the HTML (it's like they
didn't even trust us). Finally, we decided on anglefire to be the best
website to continue the excellence which is Mighty Matt (Our artistic director
especially liked its sketchy layout)
Due to this emergency, we have not been able to
update the game. But we're working on it.
Coming up for Mighty Matt:
~A secret level select screen. (No more
worrying about passwords you can't even enter on the online version)
~The thrilling conclusion to the thrilling
cliffhanger and a new cliffhanger to
replace it...
~ A BOSS BATTLE AGAINST A BOSS SO
MINDBLOWING, WE HAD TO OUTSOURCE THE SPRITE MAKING TO A FOREIGN ARTIST. (I.e.,
Ryan Walker, whenever he finishes it).
But yeah, basically if you've already played the
game, there's nothing new this time, just a new website. If you're new to
Mighty Matt, then enjoy!
In order to play Mighty Matt, you need install
the Vitalize plug-in. For more info, visit : http://www.clickteam.com/website/usa/vitalize.html
and now, the new website: http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/cgi-auth/webshell
Bookmark it NOW,
Balloon Co.
Subject: A MINOR update (get it?)
Here's how it goes.
We at Balloon Co. (gaming division) were just kicking back and
congratulating ourselves on another successful internet update of Mighty Matt.
Imagine our annoyance when some whiny intern told us about an email from
a whiner source. We checked it out and couldn't believe the insult we
saw: some wimp had trouble with the first two bosses of Mighty Matt. (Unfortunately, due to legality/morality/blackmaility
issues, we cannot name the whiny wimp. We can name the intern. His
name was Eganon. Yeah, we thought it was a funny name too.)
First thing he said was
that the bosses were too hard. Come on. We've heard of some pretty
hard games that this wimp has probably played. We've heard of those
teenage, Halo-type games where you have to snipe someone's head off from a hundred
yards away, and that Guitar Loser game where on the super-ultra-masterexpert levels you have to mash colorful buttons on a
plastic guitar at lightning speeds, and THIS WIMP HAS TROUBLE WITH OUR
LITTLE MIGHTY MATT?!?
Second thing he whined
about was that he couldn't tell if he was hurting the first boss or not.
Here's how most people do it buddie: BY WATCHING ITS HEALTH METER DROP TOWARDS ZERO!
We were going to give
this email the old El Deleto Grande when that
little intern pointed out our 100% satisfaction guaranteed policy.
Well, first thing we did was fire the intern. Next, we quickly made
the first two bosses easier and decided to go all the way and make EVERY
ENEMY (plus the first boss) SHOW YOU THAT YOU ARE HURTING THEM. After
that was all done, we instantly scrapped the 100% satisfaction guaranteed
policy to prevent something like this from ever happening again.
So, long story short, if
you've already beaten the game, there is no need to play it again (unless your
THAT desperate to see the half-seconds of hurt animation we added to some
enemies)
But as for the wimp, who
probably greatly improved our game with his whining, try not to lose this time:
Play game here: http://www.geocities.com/pig_quest/onlinegame.html
Also, despite the
example we made out of Sir Whines-Alot, we really do
want you to email us with your comments. We need something to talk about
at the dinner table.
Subject: SOMEBODY messed up bad!
In a recent newsletter, we sent the link to our
new website. Unfortunately, we sent the wrong link. Here is the
REAL link for the online version of Mighty Matt the Video Game (We
wanted to add the subtitle: The Exciting Epic Quest for Glory and Fun, but
we were told that that was too long of a title).
http://balloonco.angelfire.com/mmtvg.html
We are so sorry for the inconvenience, that our
boss is making us include two mini games that we worked long and hard on,
for FREE.
The grooviest dancing game around: Princess
Alyssa's dance party. http://balloonco.angelfire.com/dance.html
And the multi-player game of the multi-century: Rideo Rampage : http://balloonco.angelfire.com/index.html
We hope that the hate mail will (finally) stop,
Balloon Co.
Subject: Dive into the depths of a MIGHTY MATT UPDATE!
Hi...um...hi,
We at Balloon Co [gaming division] are well
aware that the big fancy-schmancy Electronic
Entertainment Expo (or E3 as kids these days say) has once again come and gone
without the hardworking folks at Balloon Co [gaming division] getting a single
invitation/all expenses paid trip to Los Angeles with
a free hotel room. So, instead this year, we had our own Electronic Media
Showcase (or EMS if you need to twitter). However, instead of showing off
cool future releases for the audience to look forward to, we mostly show off
our games which were canceled due to lack of funding. And we would like
to give YOU, LOYAL FAN, the exclusive behind-the-scenes treat by briefly
summarizing some of the games on the show floors (well, technically they were
our kitchen floors, but we're not picky).
Bagpipe Big Shot The epic quest for fame, fortune, and acceptance of an obscure
instrument. You start as a lowly Scotsman, playing for your local
village, before working your way up to a world tour and a record deal.
Use your bagpipe accessory (sold separately) to time your notes right
when the colorful shamrocks appear onscreen. (We totally thought of this idea
before those people who made those Guitar Loser games). Customize
yourself with over 100 kilts and 50 fury hats. *Unfortunately, the game
when canceled due to the high cost of the bagpipe controller (though we didn't
think $200.95 was that much) and people collapsing form shortness of breath.
Test Quest: Conquer the
ACT/SAT How you do on these two tests will decide whether
you get that $10,000 scholarship you've dreamed of, or have to flip burgers (or
make video games nobody funds) for the rest of your life. Work under pressure to READ, COMPREHEND, CALCULATE, and
FILL IN BUBBLES! Quick thinking isn't just for figuring the square of a
hypotenuse. React to random test conditions like broken pencils, battery
dead calculators, or being distracted by the snoring of the test administrator.
Get a perfect score on both tests to unlock a mini game where you can
burn all of the test booklets and answer sheets. *ACT and SAT refused to
let us license their product (especially after hearing about the mini game).
But we did improve our filling in the bubble skills!
Ultimate Chess Boxing *We were able to make a chess prototype. We
were able to make a boxing prototype. But for some reason we just weren't
able to mash them together.
Bodyguard Creed Tired of boring 1st and 3rd person shooters? Well then get ready
for the world's first 2nd person shooter. In Bodyguard Creed, your
mission is to run through a group of obstacles to jump in front of a bullet and
take the hit for your employer. *This game wasn't actually canceled due
to funding, we just couldn't get past the first level.
After the main character dies... we weren't quite sure what to do.
The one game we did show off without being
canceled (yet) is the water level from Mighty Matt: The Video Game.
Explore this aqua land with the help of fish... things, and battle the
fiercest underwater monster since Jaws on steroids. We also showed off
our NEW secret level select screen. All you need to do is click 3-4 times
on Nic's head on the title screen, and you will instantly be able to jump ahead
of all those other levels and cut scenes we put so much work into creating to
replay your favorite level, or jump ahead to the new Water level.
Put on your swimsuit* and play here: http://balloonco.angelfire.com/mmtvg.html
Remember, you need to have to have this plug in
in order to play: http://www.clickteam.com/vitalize4/download.html
*Swimsuit not actually required to play game.
Subject: Wait in anticipation for a M2 update release
date!
We at Balloon Co. [gaming division] have been
forced to attend a bunch of meetings from other people in our parent company.
We are not fans of our "parietal corporation." If
the head honchos are like our parents, then we are like the rebellious
teenagers eager to ride motorcycles through the streets and get tattoos all
over our bodies (tattoos we now realize are very painful to get and VERY
EXPENSIVE TO REMOVE!).
At one of these "get togethers,"
a marketing person used a very flashy PowerPoint to teach us about this biz-nes technique called, "release, date" Apparently, other companies predict when they will be
finished making their product, scramble to get it done by that date, get to
that date with an unfinished project, and then either move the date forward, or
release their unfinished product, and then charge money for "additional
content" they forgot to add the first time.
WE AT BALLOON CO. THINK
THIS IS A BRILLIANT IDEA!
And so, we have decided to set in stone our
forecast for the next Matt of Ultimate Might (ie,
Mighty Matt) update! And that date is, MIDI drum-roll please, JUNE 7th 2011 AD UNDER THE Gregorian
calendar!!!!!!!!
Hold on, I've got a
phone call from our marketing firm (I'm fired if let it go to voice mail)
...
I have been informed that
our release date is the same as that electronic entertainment exposition.
E3?! More like,
lamE3!
What good is a video game convention meant to
show off the best video games have to offer, if they won't include THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME COMPANY THERE IS TO
OFFER.
(We suspect a conspiracy that involves lots of
cold coins if you catch our drift)
(If you don't catch our drift, then you need a
better drift catcher)
(We think there's bribing involved)
As usual, we have to resort to our MUCH
BETTER Electronic Media
Showcase.
As longtime fans of
Balloon Co. [gaming division] know, every sometimes-years we use our EMS show
off the GREATEST OF THE BEST OF
THE MOST MAJESTIC GAMES cut due to various reasons EVER!
Here is a large sample
of the double-plus un-games that will be featured:
3 Portals: NOT a cheap attempt to cash in on a popular
franchise, this game will force you to think outside the space-time box.
Instead of using merely 2 portals, our game gives the hero (who we are going to advertise as a woman, but
in the game is actually a man) a portal grenade launcher capable of creating three portals: Red, Green, and Purple. When you enter
one portal, you come out both the other portals! Control your clones
simultaneously or individually with easy controls! *This game was
canceled for multiple reasons, with the copyright infringement suit being the
least of our worries. If the player got caught in a portal loop, it
created so many clones the game crashed within seconds. Also, the
computer we were using to program the Evil Computer That Hates The Main Character suddenly was taken over by an evil
computer who hated us, so we had to blow it up. (It was going to be so
cool too! Can you think of a better voice for an evil computer than
Microsoft Sam?!)
Custodial Crackdown: A
Janitor's Journey: Get ready to clean some glass and take some change! YOU are
the greenhorn custodian at South by Southeast High School, and you're ready to
rise through the ranks. Wander the halls picking up random pieces of
trash (double points for cleaning gum). Get your cleaning material ready
with the innovated chemical mixing minigame, but be
careful not to spill any on your skin, or you could get a chemical burn
fatality (We were going to try to trademark that term). Manage your
resources well: you only have a limited number of "Slippery When Wet"
signs! Resist attacking that freshman punk who mocks you! (Don't
worry, if you're careful, you can get your revenge during the Night Shift by
opening his locker and stealing some of his valuables. Shhhh.) After a
good day's/night work, hit the town and decide how to use your hard-earned/
below average paycheck. Will you decide to bling out your uniform (within
dress code policies)? Will you be able to afford to replace your worn-out
gloves for better hand protection? Will you go from lowly mop to riding
an electric carpet cleaner truck? Forget sandbox game play: if you
encounter a kid with the stomach flu, you'd better be ready for SAWDUST GAME
PLAY! Before long, you'll be head of the custodian heap.
*Apparently, test subjects were not fans of cleaning toilets or wiping up
vomit spills. Also, due to our lack of funds to hire custodians, we really
didn't know how their jobs worked, which lead to reviews of
"UNREALISTIC" from actual custodians. With both the public and
niche audience against us, we had no choice but to close this game down.
Cooking Your Mama: *Our attempt at the M rated market (or at least
the MMM rated market). Apparently, nudity and gore filled violence are OK
subjects for video games, but matricide and cannibalism are not.
Video Game Challenge:
YOU like video
games! Ever wish there was a game where YOU could play as a gamer? Well now there is!
Start with a Commodore
63 (we had some licensing
issues) and upgrade to an HD3DHD Super Plasma UltraGamer 9001 by earning major dough in video game
tournaments. Be sure to save some money to pay your rent, or it's back to
your parent's basement. Decide how much time you'll devote to each genre
of gaming. Will you evenly space out your shooting, driving, and sports
games, or go all out on Globe of Fighting: The best Massive People with Too
Much Time On Their Hands Online Experience (aka, a MPWTMTOTHOE). Crush
annoying sleep with ENERGY DRINKS. Go for the record of being able to
function in society without taking a shower. Fight your way to the top:
Game tester for Balloon Co. YOU want to be the very best! Like no one
ever was! *Gamers were unimpressed with our representation of their
lifestyle. Also, apparently people thought they would be able to play
actual games instead of directing an avatar to play a game and watch said
avatar slouch down on a beanbag with a controller in hand.
And, now that we have a
release date, we're off to another meeting. This time we're going to
learn about something called "Dead...Lines." Sounds like a new
programing trick!
Subject: What's black, and white, and a mystery color all
over? IT"S ANOTHER MIGHTY MATT UPDATE!!!!!!
Dear customers we think are loyal and not
cheating on us,
Long time no email, right? Well, we have a
few apologies to make. After our deferred success in getting you your
game update in time for that deadline, we had an email all typed up covering
our butts for failing to deliver as kinda-sorta-promised.
We were just about to hit the send button when suddenly our manager came running
in screaming about a fight outside between a muskox and a walrus. So, as
you can logically understand, we had no choice but to abandon our computers so
we could run out there to whip out our cellphones to record it.
Therefore, we hope you can forgive us for completely forgetting about
that email for our customers while we tried to get in contact with one of those
nature networks like National Worldgraphic or Shark
Planet to pawn off our high quality footage (They never got back to us.
You'd think there'd be a bigger market for this journalism. Oh
well, at least we got a fresh supply of Walrus blubber)
We at Balloon Co seem to have had a slight bit
of a misunderstanding. We worked day and night to finish programing the
boss levels and the not boss levels for our baby in video game form, Might
Matt: The Video Game. We finally finished our programing just as our
computer's clocks struck 12:00 AM (wait, how can a computer clock strike
something?) and sent it to our boss, patting ourselves on the back.
Then the phone rang.
We assumed it was a huge raise for finishing our
job by the due day, and fought to be the one to answer to receive all the
praise.
It's wasn't praise.
It seems the boss wanted a completed update.
He had expected us to finish BEFORE the deadline so we could send it out
to other Balloon Co gaming departments in foreign countries we use to outsource
the high quality music and cut scenes you all enjoy.
So anyway, no update now, but...
THE WAIT SHALST BE
TOTALLY WORTH IT!
We think.
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#+# #+# #+# #+#
#+# #+# #+# #+#
#+#
If this newfangled
formatting our programmers thought up* worked (they tried the same thing on the
title screen, but it didn't turn out right. If you see a bunch of gibberish
on the online version of Mighty Matt: The video game title screen, then pretend
it is not a bunch of gibberish and that it says "Mighty Matt: the Video
Game" We didn't let them touch the rest of the game, so the text
there should be fine), then you should all know that after a huge hiatus/required vacation
time/laziness/evictions/court battles/victory parties/hangover breaks, we've
finally gotten around to updating THE GREATEST currently FREE GAME YOU'LL EVER PLAY EVEN IF YOU LIVE TO BE OLDER THAN RIP
VAN WRINKLY: MIGHTY MATT: THE VIDEO GAME!
Now, as a company that
makes under minimum wage by providing the best in free entertainment, we can't
help but be ashamed of some of our "for profit" peers. For
example, we hear that there's a game series that recently came out with 2 games.
However, these games only come in two versions: Black and White. HOW
DO YOU PLAY A GAME WHEN IT'S COMPLETELY BLACK OR WHITE!? YOU CAN'T SEE
ANYTHING WHEN EVERYTHING IS ONE COLOR!!!!>:[!!!!!!
That's why we at Balloon
Co. [gaming division], we always make sure our games have at least two colors so you can actually see
what's going on! For today's update, we're 1-up-ing our competitors by
not only giving you the colors BLACK and White FOR FREE, we are also including a mystery color, but we're not
going to tell you what it is. You'll just have to find out for yourself.
Here's a hint: It's not black. Here's another hint: It's not white.
Here's our last hint: It's not gray. Oh wait... we do have gray in
this update... but it's not the mystery color we're talking about.
So, if
your eyes are ready to be blown out of their sockets by these colors, head on
over to
http://balloonco.angelfire.com/mmtvg.html
And, if
you are new to Mighty Matt, remember to download the required plug-in to play.
It should download automatically for people exploring the internet with
internet explorer when you try (and fail) to play the game at the above link.
Otherwise, you can get more info for using foxes on fire or being a
CROME-er by clicking on this link: http://www.clickteam.com/vitalize4/download.html
Also,
since it's been a while for some of you people who play our games, our marketing
expert person told us to remind our fans who have reached the super enriched
uranium level fan-membership levels that they can skip all the levels and go
straight to the new ones by clicking on Nic's head on the title screen 3 times,
then navigating the secrete level select screen for the level next to a black
box. They also think it would be nice if we reminded our uranium level
fan-members to pay attention to the order of the passwords on the level select
screen/ what order they were given while playing the game for a certain
"puzzle" they may or may not encounter in the update. They also
told us to make sure this does not get to aluminum members or below, so if that
describes you, please don't read this.
* Our lawyer just called and
told us that, if we want to avoid another possible eviction, we are legally
obligated to add this footnote to explain that, when our programmers say they
"thought up" the logo for Mighty Matt Update, they really just used
this website: network-science.de/ascii
Subject: Prepare to Redive into an exciting new announcement!
Greetings loyal fans of the game with the super
hero who jumps, shoots, and gets blasted out of cannons from your super best
friends at Balloon Co [gaming division]. Long time no see email update,
right? Well, this time only 75% is due to us sledding of Mt. AHHHHHHHHH
instead of working on our video games (though, 15% was recovery from said
mountain, STILL TOTALLY WORTH IT). The other 10% was due to some stupid
bug that infected our computers. No, it wasn't one of those fangled new
computer bugs: some buzzer wedged itself between the rusted outer layer of one
of our most important computers: the one that programs Mighty Matt! (Although,
the computer we programed to make sure our heating, lighting, and water runs
smoothly is probably almost as important) ajksldhfajksdh (Oh, and don't forget
the computer that controls the toaster, that's pretty important too.) fiuhsilfhs (HEY, IT'S MY TURN TO WRITE THE EMAIL TO
THE FANS AND I, Oh look what you made me do! With the delete key broken,
now I have to either keep all this nonsense or restart the entire email!).
It took us half a year for the exterminator to
get here. By that time, the Creepibus Dungflyroachia (We're pretty
sure that's its scientific name) had already laid eggs, raised a large family,
and died, leaving a computer full of bugs. The exterminator tore open the
computer, and started spraying out our precious hardware! And then he had
the nerve to charge US MONEY for RUINING OUR EQUIPTMENT WITH HIS STUPID LEMON
SMELLING LIQUID!!!! (for the record, I usually only use three !'s when I'm
angry). After kicking his sorry butt out of there (apparently, our
lawyers were smart enough to trick him into signing a promise not to destroy
anything agreement in fine print before he came, so we were able to not pay him
not illegally. Thank you lawyers!)
However, we were still able to use the other
computers to work on other games. Unfortunately, as usual, none of them had
what it takes to make it into the free retail market. But that didn't
stop us from showcasing them in our showcase we call our annual Electronic
Media Showcase #EMS #Showcase
*Game testers reported that our game was a giant
turd
*Somehow this was copyright infringement
*SOME PUNK FOUND OUT HOW TO WIN BY HIMSELF
WITHOUT COLLABORATING BY ORDERING BOTH A AND B, AND BOUNCING A CHECK SO WE
NEVER GOT HIS MONEY!!! Also, the restaurant got complaints about paper in their
combo meal 13, but that wasn't much of an issue after they went out of
business. That kinda ruined the game.
*Our higher-ups said they would only release a
kart game if there was multiplayer included cause that's what all the other
kart games do. We tried, but either the person playing the racetrack
dominated the kart racer, or the kart racer was untouched on its way to the
finish line.
*We couldn't get our president to sign a check
big enough to fill our accountant's estimated budget for this expensive game.
Due to the damage that bug murderer did to our
Might Matt computer, we lost the extra hard drive memory we needed to expand
the game. When we tried to program more than we already had, we got the
orange-with-blue-polka-dots-screen-of-deathdoom. However, everything we
already programed was still ok, and we were even able to improve some of the
old levels. We just couldn't add any new ones. That didn't stop us
though, and using a different computer, we were proud to debut our work-around
at the EMS. Here's our press release.
Mighty Matt is now a two-part adventure.
Balloon Co is the greatest company in the world.
So, if you've been following us for a while, and
you've already played everything we've programed before this for the millionth
time, you can experience the new stuff right here: http://balloonco.angelfire.com/part2.html
That's not all! We've also added, like, 2
whole brand new never before heard sound effects to the original game, and
ported the ever so popular He-He Pistol Ammo Counter (Trademark/Copyright
pending, as soon as we find out whether we want a copyright or a trademark)
from the submarine levels to every level where you used the He-He pistol
before! No longer will keep pressing Y not knowing if anything will come
out. Now you'll know! And if you're new, well, then, it'd be
confusing if you played part one before part two, so play part one here! http://balloonco.angelfire.com/mmtvg.html
And as usual, to play these games, you'll need
the special plug-in somebody made to play this game. Internet explorer
should download it automatically when you attempt to play the game (after
asking you nicely of course), but if you like fighting the man by using those
hipster browsers like fieryfox of Chrome-domy, then you can download the
plug-in here: http://www.clickteam.com/vitalize4/download.html
Subject: Whatever I want to call this update email
Greeting fans and people we email who ignore us!
It has been a LONG time since we last
emailed you about what the haps happens around these parts. Well, I am
here to tell you put your mind at ease by telling you that, yes, we are alive.
Ok bye!
~A Balloon Co [gaming division] member.
~Who apparently has to write more if he doesn't
want to get fired.
Re-Greetings all of you people who read!
So, we have had lots of adventures here in the [gaming division] that you
do not know about but you WILL now know about because you are reading
this email!
We were able to scrape together the necessary
wood and animal hides to go on a little sailing adventure. After that we
used our 7331 HitchHikingSkillage to do some traveling. But don't
worry: this was not an excuse to use up vacation hours we don't have and thus
don't expire at the end of the month without being carried over to next year
because we don't have those! Nope, it was strictly business. (Ok,
it wasn't strictly business, it was kinda more leniently business.) BUT
WE STILL DID SOME BUSINESS STUFF!!! We thought we could improve our work
load by a bazillion percent if WE WEREN'T THE ONES DOING THE WORK BUT WE STILL SOMEHOW GOT CREDIT
FOR IT OR SOMETHING!!! So, we infiltrated a grade school, and were successful in starting up a MAKE COMPUTER GAMES FOR BALLOON CO. [gaming division] CLUB!!! Ok, so that's not quite what the organization was called,
but that's what we liked to call it. Unfortunately, the 4th grader we put
in charge as a puppet president DIDN'T TURN OUT TO BE AS PUPPETABLE AS WE THOUGHT
SHE WOULD BE!!!! Instead, she took over the club she was officially
in charge of and started making computer games... BUT NOT FOR BALLOON CO
[gaming division] INSTEAD THEY STARTED MAKING THEM FOR THE SCHOOL!!!!!!
But fear not, for although we were schooled by
those snot nosed school-goers, we were also schooled more in how to school code
to into getting us out of detention and into gaming recess! *TRANSLATOR'S NOTE:
This statement is difficult. Basically, they learned more from the
kids than the kids learned from them*
So, before da police could ask us questions like
"Hey rebellious punks, what are youzz guyzz doing hanging around dat
school?" and "How did you awesomely evade detection from da
immigration department," we jumped town like the Titanic and sailed away
like hop scotch! And we made it back to Home Bitter Sour Home just
in time for the ELECTRONIC MEDIA
SHOWCASE!!!!
And this year was a very unique and special and
unique year, because it was so dramatically tragic! This may come as a
shock to you, but Mighty Matt: The Video Game is NOT our dream job game.
We at Balloon Co. have long dreamed of the fated day when we can stop
slaving away working on our original intellectual property about a superhero
kid and instead get the rare opportunity to BE LAZY WORKING ON A LICENSED
GAME WHICH HAS MUCH LOWER STANDARDS!!!!!
So, last year we started putting on lab coats
and researching making games based off twitter posts by celebrities, hoping the
cash in on the blue bird's bucks. Unfortunately, all our attempts added
in failure, so enjoy this presentation of our broken and smashed dreams, the EMS:
The French Fries from HELL: Based off the Kanye West quote "French fries are the devil",
we were ready to make a turned based real time RPG first-person salty demon
exorcism game. You would start in a middle of nowhere fast food
restaurant and work your way up to a 6-star restaurant serving demon French
fries to the UNITED NATIONS of COUNTRIES. Armed with a limited
supply of holy oil, you had to battle wave upon wave of demon possessed food,
until you worked your way to the Fried in the French Way Bosses! Watch
your hunger meter, but also watch what you eat, because sometimes YOU BECOME
WHAT YOU EAT (Pro tip: Being a salad can be useful for slipping behind locked
doors, but nobody wants to be a Chicken Nugget).
~Game was canceled because both Kanye West and
BurgerKingMcDonaldsDairyQueenArbiesWendiesRedLobsterUncleBilliesBurgerShackiHOP
never contacted us back. For some weird reason. But Auntie Sal's
French Fry Cart gave us a very nasty letter (Luckily it was soaking in oil so
it was easy to burn. Thanks Sal!).
From another musical person, we had this quote
to work with, "Problem 4 me with pointy teeth hrs.?! Drag my ass in day!
Give wrong answers , don't care bout ?'s ! Wii game suffers ! Haha" ~ Cher
(No, we did NOT make this tweet up. We are not nearly that talented).
So we made Pointy Teeth Interrogations (For the Xbox and Atari
2000). In this game, you have been dragged into police custody, and must
answer their questions. However, answering their questions is very
difficult BECAUSE YOU MUST AVOID BITING YOUR TONGUE WITH YOUR POINTY TEETH!!!!
However, if you don't care about their questions, or if you get them wrong,
it's ok, because you can also win by BITING THE POLICE AND EATING YOUR WAY
THROUGH THE PRISON BECAUSE THE PRISON IS MADE OF CANDY BUT THEN YOU HAVE
PROBLEMS AVOIDING GINGIVITIS!!!!!! (Gingivitis was actually a boss we
carried over from the canceled The French Fries from HELL.)
~We were tempted to release this game without
asking Sher for permission, since we seem to have a problem of never getting
permission when we ask for permission (Still waiting on our "skydive on
top of the American White House" permits), but then we saw this tweet from
Sher "ONE THING WILL WORK BOYCOTT ALL #Japanese GOODS ! DONT BUY 1 THING FROM #JAPAN TILL THEY STOP MURDER OF #DOLPHINS #JAPAN GOODS NO GOOD." Now, we don't live in Japan, but many
of us grew up with high quality knock-offs of Japanese video games, and
therefore have been indirectly influenced by them. Therefore, our Sher
game was probably going to be mistaken for a Japanese game, and therefore
would be boycotted by our target audience of
Sher fans who are willing to paint targets on their shirts. So, despite
our shared irrational hatred for dolphins, we decided not to release the game.
And finally, we attempted to get into the
lucrative Fashion Games with Glasses that are Used for Nerd Eyes Deluxe.
Why aren't there more glasses and nerdery simulation games out there?
Probably because people usually aren't smart enough to think it up.
And to be completely megahonest, we were not that smart until we received
the following wise tweet "Do these eye glasses make me look nerdy? 
lol"
from the almighty sage: Paris Hilton. Take command of the Doland Tramp
fashion industry [glasses division] and recruit teenage girls (and guys, we
don't discriminate based on gender here at balloon co, we only discriminate
based on the ability to belch the alphabet song backwards. It keeps our
lawyers busy). You also get to make the glasses yourself! Prepare
and pimp the perfect pair to propagate the prestigious and proper point Dexter
prestige. But watch out!!! Your competitors are also trying to make geeky
models but WITHOUT GLASSES!!!! Strike back by training your models
in nerdy activities and to sabotage your competitors at conventions by
releasing compromising tapes of rival models doing everyday tasks that are NOT NERDY
(And get bonus money for selling glasses to voice actors and people who
are famous on the INTERNET OMG BONUSBONUS POINTS
BECAUSE THE INTERNET IS AWESOME).
~Despite being such a smart and talented...
um... whatever Paris Hilton is, she never found out about our game.
However, some weirdo called Donald Trump and the very cool creator of the
Dolan comics DID find out about our game, and as soon as some of our lawyers
found out that they were about to go up against the legendary force of the
Dolan lawyers, as well as a few of that Trump guy's, they flew all the way over
to the Trump tower with a white flag, and we never saw them again.
Back on the telling you what we've been up too
instead of what we've been not up too, we have a big announcement! It's
so big, we threw together a press release for it. (Oh yeah, another
announcement, we were really busy trying to figure out how to put together a
press release: after five weeks, I think we nailed it)
TO BE RELEASED TO THE
PRESSES!!!!
Balloon Co [gaming division] is
charting new territories in videogame creation after announcing that they have
upgraded their game creation engine from Game Factory 2 to Multimedia Fusion 2.
We asked the super awesome team how they were able to afford the money
for such a walrus sized upgrade:
"Making games that
people can play for free makes it difficult to purchase engine upgrades.
However, when we saw how people on the internet were willing to give
people money WITHOUT THEM EVEN MAKING A GAME YET... well we knew we had to get
in on that. So, we started up our very own Punchintheface starter.
Money wise, we thought we'd merely get a yet, or maybe a yen if we were
super lucky. Imagine our surprise (which is very hard to imagine, but I
believe in you) when we got a WHOLE AMERICAN PENNEY!!!! As soon as we got
that sweat cash, we instantly splurged on the first engine we could purchase
for a penny: Multimedia Studios 2 through some sort of bundally thingy."
However, change comes
with its changes, and not always to good changes. There are bad changes. EVIL changes. Changes that get together on Mondays and laugh about
all the trouble they caused. "When we play tested Mighty Matt part 1
with the new system, our bug detecting counter blew a fuse. After we fixed
it with some spare wiring and some duct tape, it counted over 50 bugs before
starting the smoke and melt the duct tape. So we have currently split our
team: One half will procrastinate fixing all the bugs, and the other half will
delay working on the new material"
Balloon Co [gaming
division] is a gaming company that makes games. It is the best gaming
company in the multiverse.
Don't you think that
that was the best press release ever? Well, then you are WRONG because right after we finished that press
release, another news item happened so we were able to use all of our press
release practice to write an even better press release, behold:
GIRLS AND GUYS, WE NEED
TO RELEASE THE PRESSES!
Once upon a time, there
was a company called Balloon Co. [gaming division]. They put a videogame
on a website. Then that website kicked them out. So thus they
wandered in exile until an angel of the web came upon them. And the
angel's name was angel fire, because it came from angelfire.com. "I shall let you dwell in the land
of angelfire.com for free, and you may bring your game and edit
your page's html code to your heart's desire. Thus did balloon co remain in the
land of angels who were on fire. But alas, while they pitched their game
tents in the promised land, they did not visit often. This made the fire
angels sad and angry. And the head angels said unto the other angels,
"We promised them land for free, and we cannot take their land away, for
thus the commandments of the user account would be broken. But let us
steal into their tents into the night and take away their html editing tools,
so that they will no longer be able to host any updates to their game
here." And thus the angels did what they just said and we won't repeat it
again 'cause you'd get bored. So it came to pass that on the fortnight of
the return of the chosen gaming company, carrying with them a game update of
3,000 kilobytes by 200 cubics, a great uproar was heard throughout the internet
when they found that the angels of fire had betrayed them. Therefore, and
thusly so, the brave game creators started their great wandering through the
desert of the internet as electronic hobos once more.
Balloon Co [gaming division] is a gaming company that makes games. It is the best gaming company in the multiverse.
Whew. I'm going to
give your eyes a break after reading such majesty. When your well rested,
you may continue reading the next announcement.
Are you ready? Ok
good, so, since we have lost our website, we have become desperate. And
since we're desperate, we've decided to do what all game companies do when they
are desperate... PUT A BUNCH OF GAMES TOGEATHER IN A BUNDLE AND SELL THEM DIRT
CHEAP FOR THE HOPES OF ATTENTION!!!!
So, without further ado,
except for maybe one. Adieu, OK NOW I"M REALLY READY TO ANNOUNCE THE
The Full of Pride
Balloon Co Bundle Bundle
Its pay no money,
What's DRM?
Windows only,
and it helps you and me!
We're going back to our roots!
For one low easy payment of emailing us, we will
send you a direct link to download the old game factory versions of Mighty Matt
Part one and Might Matt Part the next one, as well as download links for the
Game Girl Adv. Games. And, if you beat the average by also telling us
what you think about Mighty Matt, we'll also compile all of the midi music into
a folder and send you the full soundtrack of Mighty Matt!!!!
This is the FIRST time we have ever offered our
soundtrack, so don't delay order someday!
Ok, that should be everything. Until next
time... there won't be an email. But there will be...
Next time,
A Person Who Works Here.
Subject: Balloon Co actually finishes games! But it's not
Mighty Matt :(
Do you believe in magic?
Do you believe in miracles?
Do you believe in kicking fate in the posterior
region?
Well, even if you do, get ready to doubt our
incredible miramagiclishious smack down of unproductivity and half-baked wheat
products. (In this metaphor, wheat products means VIDEOGAMES. And
baking means WE BAKE OUR VIDEOGAMES
WITH ONLY THE FINEST OF INGREDIENTS!)
In all started one day when we traveled to the
main land on a nice
we-accidently-let-in-a-bunch-of-critters-and-killed-them-so-it-was-going-to-take-a-while-to-get-the-carpets/furnature/ceiling-cleaned
vacation to the mainland. But before I go any further:
LEGAL DISCLAIMER FROM THE BALLOON CO. [gaming
division] LAWYERS: Kids, gambling is bad
for you.
...
BUT IT WAS GREAT FOR US!
We won the equivalent of
an ENTIRE US ONE DOLLAR BILL/4 US QUARTERS/10 US DIMES/20 US NICKLES/100 US
PENNIES/200 US HALF PENNIES from a scratch card that was sticking out of that
dudes pocked enough for us to snatch it!
LEGAL DISCLAIMER FROM
THE BALLOON CO. [gaming division] LAWYERS: No Balloon Co. [gaming division] employee stole
anything from any person, alive or dead. This story is fictional.
Any resemblance to reality in just your imagination and therefore not
punishable by any authorities that have jurisdiction over Balloon Co.
So, after we got our
hands on that sweet sweet loot, we headed back home just as they were finishing
cleaning the fish guts from the bathroom and told our lawyers the great news.
(The lawyers wanted to stay behind to see if the house cleaner did
anything we could sue them for). That's when the lawyers told us that,
since we were on a company trip, we had to spend the money on something that
would help the company. So, feeling lazy, we went out and splurged on a BRAND
NEW GAME ENGINE WITH PREMADE SPRITES AND ANIMATION AND SONGS AND CODING!
It says its good for making something called an
RPG. We don't know what that is. Not only that, we don't like
"the game" telling us what we can or can't make out of it, just like
how we hate how "the boss" tells us what our division can and can't
blow up within a 5 km radius of our office. So, instead of making an RPG,
we decided to make a JRPG THAT"S NOT MADE IN JAPAN! WE ARE MASTERS
AT THIS REBELLING THING!!! So, any way, there
we were, putting off working on Mighty Matt by messing around with thing new
game engine, and before you knew it WE ACCIDENTALLY FINISHED IT, LIKE, WITH A
BEGINNING MIDDLE AND END AND CREDITS. WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT HAPPENED BUT
THERE IT WAS!
We quickly called up the
Balloon Co. [gaming division and other division] headquarters to share the good
news.
AND THEY GOT MILDLY
ANNOYED AT US!!!!
They said we
"didn't use company resources in a way approved by them" and how they
were "disappointed by the lack of custom Balloon Co resources applied to
this game" and as punishment we had to "polish the game with help of
outside testers" and "do something to add some originality to
it."
To check the originality
requirement we only added a few sprites home made in
our sprite kitchen (man, all these food references remind me how hungry I am.
I'm going to get a snack.) (Yuck, protip
Balloon Co. fans: never EVER try to cook walrus tail inside a backing pan lined
with crab-apple sauce. That stuff is GNasty
with a capital G and a silent G and also a capital N).
We then had to send our
game out to Balloon Co fans who the bosses liked so they could rip into the
heart of our game and tell us how to replace it with a better heart that
doesn't leak blood all over the place. Which we did. BY SLOGGING
AWAY AT THE KEYBOARDS SO HARD WE LOST COLLECTIVELY LIKE 3 KILOGRAMS OF BODY
WEIGHT! THAT"S GOING TO BE HARD TO GAIN BACK, ESPECIALLY WHEN
SOMEONE WASTED OUR SUPPLY OF WALRUS TAIL MEAT!
After working over
overtime, we sent the finished product to our boss, ready to forget about it.
TURNS OUT THAT WAS A BAD
THING TO DO! Apparently, as more punishment for
telling them we had completed a game without their knowledge, we had to take
care of "marketing" and "public relations." WE HATE THAT
SORT OF STUFF, WHY DO YOU THINK WE RETREATED TO OUR ABOVE GROUND BASEMENTS TO
WORK ON COMPUTERS AWAY FROM THE GENERAL PUBLIC!!!?!?!?
By the way, did I
mention we were still internet hobos? In desperation, we went back to our
you-have-to-download-the-game-to-play-it roots. But we decided to take
what we learned from our field trip to that school for people who's legal age is a lot smaller
than ours to UPDATE OUR ROOTS WITH ROBOTIC ZOMBIE VAMPIRES PARTS TO APPEAL TO
THE KIDS WHO LIVE IN THE DAYS THAT ARE THESE!
We made a Balloon Co
Tumblr [sic] (seriously, even WE know how to spell "tummble",
and we never graduated nursery school! (Translator's note: spelling error left
in for accuracy). So, if you want to play our first finished game, here
is address you can command your internet browser to go to: http://balloonco.tumblr.com/ And if you want to see the super fancy
press release we made for it, YOU DON"T EVEN NEED TO CLICK THE LINK, WE
CAN COPY AND PASTE IT RIGHT HERE. Oh but first we should tell the title
of our game. We called it "One Boss Showdown", or OBS for
short, but its nickname is Onesie Bossy.
Hello
world, we are Balloon Co. and this is our first finished game-that-isn't-a-minigame-inside-another-unfinished-game! We are very sorry
to all of the people who just lost their lunch and/or dinner money investing in "Balloon Co. will never finish a game" wagers. (We ourselves lost some money in
the deal, but we regret nothing for our art!). Oh, you want to know about the
game? Um, it has a boss battle.
Dang,
our poets must have been up late into the morning typing up that masterchuck of literary brilliance.
However, there was another downside to
completing a game while not working on our main game.
WE HAD NOTHING TO SHOW
FOR OUR UPCOMING
ELECTRONIC MEDIA
SHOWCASE!!!!
So, we had to work fast
to make a game or two that would be canceled, as is tradition.
And we came up with
three.
But it ended up being
two.
Here's why, WE ACCIDENTALLY COMPLETED ANOTHER GAME.
We thought we could
easily whip up a cancelled game by ripping off a popular game, then having our
lawyers devour our game with their "oh no, we are going to get sued, wah wah" tears.
So we made a game called "Floppy Fish." BUT THEN
THE POPULAR GAME WE RIPPED OFF DISAPPEARED, AND OUR LAWYERS GAVE OUR GAME THE
THUMBS UP WHEN WE WANTED THEIR THUMBS TO GO DOWN INTO THE GROUND. WAH WAH WAAAAH.
Still, we learned our
lesson from telling our bosses about "One Boss Showdown" and secretly
released it at this website under a pseudonym username we stole from one of our
fans when we tested our security by hacking our own databases and were able to
steal a whole username from ourselves. You can play it here, at this not tumblr site where the higher ups won't see it, but shhhh don't tell our bosses. http://gamejolt.com/games/arcade/floppy-fish/22254/
We first tried to make a
stealth game called PAYDAY PAYBACK PRANKSTER. You
are an employee who just got his paycheck, and ITS LESS THAN YOUR OLD PAYCHECK
DUE TO SOME STUPID COMPANY PROPERTY DAMAGE YOU ACCIDENTALLY DID WITH YOUR INK
PEN AND A NAILGUN. So, in order to get your revenge, you have to get past
your boss' home's security system and play a prank on him to feel better.
Do you dip his hand in warm tuna water? Or do you vandalize everything with his kid's crayon set? (A tip full of pro-ness: as great as your
crayon/body art is, resist the urge to sign your name) Maybe you put a bucket of whipped cream above his bedroom door, or change his clock
so he thinks that ITS MIDNIGHT WHEN ITS ACTUALLY 12:00!!! Hire neighborhood
kids to help you out, but careful: if the poopoo popo catch them, they'll squeal like Squealy the Squealing Fakomon (Which is a future game of ours that will probably
be canceled).
~Game was canceled
because we could never figure out how you break into a house without setting
off the alarms/waking up the neighborhood/ getting fired.
BALLOON SHOOTER: FREE
DAT HELIUM.
~Game was canceled as
soon as we told our bosses the name of the game we were going to start.
Something about "clashing with company image" or something.
So, what are you waiting
for! Go throw a party to celebrate Balloon Co's newest and currently onlyest completedest games: One Boss Showdown and Floppy Fish (Seriously, throw that party, we can't afford to).
Oh, and if you have Steam and the game engine RPG VX Maker Ace (dang, we
need to start taking name creation classes from these peeps), you could also
enjoy the game by subscribing to this link (which is different than subscribing
to a magazine, which we discovered the hard way).
Enjoy! Or get
frustrated and angry! Or get sad! Just get an emotion of some kind
so we know you are not a robot.
~Balloon Co [Gaming
division]
BREAKING NEWS: Our boss
just ordered us to enter our brand spanking new game into a contest to
"promote." We will have more details for you soon. And
yes, our "soon" could be your "long time" depending on what
time zone/dimension you live in.
Subject: Balloon Co enters their first contest in the
most professional way possible.
A THING TO READ IF YOU
HATE READING AND WANT YOUR REVENGE ON READING!
This is our longest
email we have ever created. As such, if you are a person who is poor in
the amount of time you have available for important things, such as our
updates, we are offering you this limited time sale! For this email only,
we are putting the most important announcement before the email.
We are in a contest.
We will not win. But if you want to see our game in said contest,
link is here! http://contest.rpgmakerweb.com/game/view/id/115#.U7MhuBBTuRM
And for those of you who
like this sale and want us to do it in the future, TOO BAD! We are only
doing it because our boss forced us to make a This Email Is Too Long For My Eyeballs To Comprehend version, or a TEITLFMETC
version for those of you who feel that was too long to read, or T version for
those of you who still make up nicknames for things by simply using the first
letter.
AND NOW FOR YOUR
REGULARLY SCHEDULED BUT STILL FIVE MINUTES LATE TO DINNER EMAIL.
OMG everybody, O
M G!
(For those who don't
know, OMG stands for Obliterate Mute Gamers, and should only be shouted when
you are too excited to filter yourself from staying things that would offend
mute gamers)
And our filters are FULL
to the BRIM because Balloon Co has entered into a real world contest.
There are over 450
entries we are competing to the
hopefully-not-death-bceause-we-forgot-to-take-out-life-insurence-policies-this-year.
We decided to check out the competition.
We are scared.
Very scared.
And we hope you get some
sick thrill out of being terrified, because we are about to unleash the terror
of quotes.
Quotes, from actual game
descriptions of our competitors in this contests.
If you are reading
without lights on, you should turn them on.
If you are reading with
lights on ITS NOT ENOUGH QUICK RUN TO THE STORE AND RENT SOME SPOT LIGHTS TO
SHINE IN YOUR ROOM.
Ok, now that you are
prepared, OUR FOE'S FEROCIOUS AMMUNITION!!!.
"im lalalupsi i make a plataformer game of hard mario"
OH SHOOT, HE WAS ABLE TO
LICENSE MARIO!? WE WEREN'T EVEN ABLE TO LICENCE MIGHTY MATT, AND WE OWN THAT
IP. How can we fight against such star power?
"Thank you for
visiting the page and checking out the game; I hope you enjoy your time.
We really appreciate
your time so far and would like to ask you a few questions and we shall credit
you for them of course:
- What was the most
thing you liked in the game?
- In your opinion, what
was the worst thing in the game?
- Was there something
missing that you were expected/wanted to have and didn't find?
- Can you describe your
experience (and feelings) while playing the game?
- Anything else you
would like to say that I haven't asked about?"
Wait, don't put this
email in the spam folder! This is the actual opening to the game description,
and is longer than the Story part that's under the development thread section.
So, this person is expecting people to play their game because they gave
a questionnaire similar to the ones businesses attach sweepstakes to in order
to milk their customer's gambling addictions to tell the businesses about
themselves... SUCH GENIUS WE HAD NO IDEA WE HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN!
*Note to self, send out
questionnaire before we send out the next game update to promote said game
update.
"This game has two
different possible endings based on how you decide to go about getting the
pants back. So there is a slight amount of replay value. To get both endings
shouldn't take you longer than an hour and a half." SHOOT A WALRUS!
If only our hero had pants, we could have dominated the pants based
multiple ending genre.
"Peter's Song
is an atypical exploration (and non-horror) game with a strong emotional
background where you progress through your journey by manipulating the
sounds and the musics of the rooms you're in to
change their ambiance and solve puzzles"
Ok, interesting.
We are not a fan of horror games because we only make quality games.
Now to take a nice long sip of hot co-co while I continue reading the
description...
. "You embody the
inspector Philihert Remnant, a forty years old man
with a quite bad reputation in the police station who's trying to catch the
serial killer known under the name of 'PETER' " BOLIUFLODSBFLSFGBOFDSGPSFP
There, now that's the
keyboard is all cleaned up (and caplocks unstuck),
WHAT THE HECK GAME DEVELOPER! YOU SAID IT WASN"T A HORROR GAME, YET
YOU HAVE A POLICE OFFICER IN IT! THOSE GUYS AND GIRLS ARE SUPER SCARY TO PEOPLE
LIKE US WHO HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING ILLEGAL IN THE LAST 3 MONTHS!
"When your computer
system crashes, the only way to fix it is my activating the "Backup
Randomizer". Only problem now is that everything is randomly generated,
but hey, a challenge isn't that bad." A GAME THAT CRASHES OUR COMPUTER!?!?!?!
I'm surprised you didn't claim it's "not a horror game" so that you
could be a liar like the person above you.
"You may be
thinking to yourself, "this game has got it all!" Well, you'd be
right, but don't take my word for it - download Plato and unwind the perilous
mystery which lies deep within a nameless city in a timeless place."
How do you beat a game that LITERALLY HAS IT ALL? Wait, if it has
it all... then it has OUR game in it... which goes against our pretend
copyright... LAWYERS DO YOUR DUTY!
"
Erik's Quest is the
first "complete" game I have ever made with Rpg make VX ace. I say
"Complete" because I wanted to add
more into it however I
just didnt have enough time. It is entirely made with
the standard RPG maker VX ace kit.
The game itself is a bit
short and the story is a bit dodgy. Most my efforts went into creating the
world map and some of the locations. I dont realy think I will win anything with this game but
hopefully it will entertain someone.
(Also in the begining of the game dont walk untill after you exit the house for some reason you can do
that and it totaly breaks the game. Spent a long time
trying to fix it but I just simply dont know how to.)
UPDATE: I fixed the fact
that your first party member actualy doesnt join your party and I made the world map a bit
easier. Since people complained that they were killed. The encounters on the
world map is based on where you are. Stay on the field in the begining and you should be fine."
The entire game
description is about how bad the game is... CURSE OUR AWESOME PRIDE PREVENTING
US FROM GIVING PEOPLE LOW STANDARDS WE CAN SOAR ABOVE!!!!
People love an underdog,
and we'll NEVER be able to be underdogs. Does that make us
under-alpha-awesome dogs?
"Though it's an RPG
there's no experience, leveling, stats or such. It's a complete linear
RPG."
Shoot, we're competing
with Modern Day Circle Eni-meeny-mini-moe-ix in an RPG contest. And they have FANS!
"Help Peter get throught his boring Routine" OH NO PETER IS GOING TO
KILL US ALL AND ITS GOING TO BE BORING FOR HIM!
"You are Aline
Kilmer, and you are dead. " WE WERE PROBABLY KILLED BY PETER! CALL
THE SCARY COPS NOW!!!
"Black Galax: Blood
Legacy is an original story of the main game series 'Black Galax: Revert'. You
do not need to play the main game in order to understand this. This game was
originally not meant for any sort of competition as I intend to complete it
only after my main game. But I thought since this is a 'Background Story' and
now that there is a competition, I thought maybe I'll give it a shot..."
This game wasn't even MEANT for the contest. STAY OUT PUNK, WE ONLY WANT
TO COMPETE AGAINST GREEDY PEOPLE LIKE OURSELVES. Oh no! One Boss
Showdown actually plays a critical role in the Mighty Matt games, and vice
versa. NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND OUR ART. Which, makes us true
artists.
"The feeling is a
bit like in "pokemon". To the story: A bad
wizard steels the princess and you have to go to save her!" SHOOT,
JUST LIKE POKEMON! And they've been able to feel pokemon
and use that knowledge to their game making advantage.
"What happens if
you let ants play with guns?" How did they know about last Thursday?
Time to check the cabin for hidden cameras again...
"You are a employee that likes playing
games when he/she is suppose to be working."
OK, time to break out the metal detectors, THERE'S DEFINITELY HIDDEN
CAMERAS AROUND HERE. Ohh, a hidden warhead
behind the kitchen sink, nice find. BUT KEEP LOOKING FOR THOSE CAMERAS!
"is the worst game
ever. It features awful custom music, awful custom graphics, awful gameplay and
awful story.
This was originally
supposed to be a serious project, a real contender for the top spots. But it
went remarkably wrong. So, ladies and gentlemen, I present you this bullcrab. It's amazingly short, but it is complete. " *Sniff* this reminds me of my mother's review
of the first time we put Mighty Matt on the internet *Sniff*
It still stings, Mom, it
still stings.
"The game is based
on a dream I had a few months ago." Hey, if OUR dreams were rated
PG-13, then WE could put OUR dreams in this contest too. Stupid people
who get to have dreams appropriate for a general audience.
"Slime Paradigm: an Element of Slime Is the first game I have tried to make
since highschool." Wait, our game stars a
slime, and this game has slime in its title... but they thought of it in highschool... WE ARE COMPETING AGAINST SOMEONE WITH A TIME
MACHINE!!! WE MUST HAVE WON THE CONTEST IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE SO HE
STOLE OUR PROTAGONIST IDEA TO WIN IN THIS TIMELINE!!!
"you can shoot down
a living porn magazine!" STAY OUT OF OUR DREAMS!
"A best mind
reading game." Oh, so that's how everyone stole our ideas.
They played the best minding reading game while we must have only played
sub-par ones.
"Slime's Turn is a
retro metroidvania style game about a baby slime,
which family was slaughtered by a random guy for some loot." One person
made a sequel to our game, and this person made a prequel. There must be
more time travelers than we thought... OR ARE WE THE TIME TRAVELERS!?!?!
"We started making
this game since thrid week of June so we don't had much time." Don't have much time?! You
found a hidden week of the month we never knew about! That gave you a whole
extra week!
After we find those
hidden cameras, we will start searching the 4th dimension for the thrid week of every month.
"In No Manatees
Promised you'll be playing a bunch of minigames and
enjoying a lush underwater world full of life. You want some kind of story? Too
bad, because there is none." Hmm, don't give people what they
want... dang, we should have submitted a not-RPG and said 'You want some sort
of RPG? Too bad, enjoy your desktop background/calculator'
"In Peace of
Mind, you play as a white mage stabbing phobias out of a person's brain and
tell off bosses for how terrible they're being.
...Sorry, that was a bit
too abrupt, wasn't it?" Yes it WAS too
abrupt... too abrupt to fail to dominate every other game in existence
including ours! OMG we have no chance in this contest....
To make it up to us,
could you please come insult our bosses for how terrible they're being.
(Our bosses aren't actually that bad, but in our imagination they are, so
rip them to shreds!)
"Ever been bored in
class? Well, Leon sure has! But he wonders off into lala
land when he is." STOP INVADING WHAT WE CALLED DAYDREAM LAND IN MIGHTY
MATT BEFORE THE TELITUBIES THREATENED TO SUE! (those things are visious, especially Dipsy. Do not cross Dipsy.)
"Voidwalker is an old school RPG with some new-school
elements injected in. You won't find any mini-map's or flashing arrows pointing
to your objectives. Rather, you will actually have to look. With your eyeballs.
I know, perish the thought." Man, this person must shout OBG a lot.
(Obliterate Blind Gamers) what a
ice-fishing hole.
"IGN will be payed
to give this a 1 star!" Wait, you can PAY for a one
star review?! We need to start making money somehow. Too bad
we wasted that dollar. :(
"
Hello and welcome to
Evil Productions! We're the best in cut scene production, making only the most
realistic of cut scenes by using real actors! That's right! They're real! Our
specially trained villains will play their role in a game world of our choice,
and cameras behind the scenes record and publish their interactions with the
local heroes! Aren't you interested in-
What's that? An actor
fell off the volcano? Oh no, that's out of the filming set!
DUN DUN DUNN
Play as D'Vil, the Dark
Lord... Actor." SHOOT we were just about to contract you to do cut
scene work for us (worst part of any videogame) and NOW you tell us you only
exist in VIDEO GAME WORLD? Well... time to redouble efforts to leave the
real world and enter the virtual one. WE THINK THE RITUAL INVOLVES CHIPS,
POP, AND YELLING ON SHOOTER GAMES!
"ATTENTION: Do not worry about Chrome warning, when you try downloading the file, just avoid and enjoy the game. Its virus and malware free!"
The best way to hide a virus that
secretly votes for your game.
"
This is a non-combat
puzzle-solving RPG. Blow up enough stuff, and you win the game! But
be careful not to blow up too many things . . ." So, if we
blow up the game on our computers, do we win or was that too many things?
WAIT, they WANT us to blow up our computer so that we can't VOTE FOR
OURSELVES! Whew close one. WAITPUTTHATMATCHOUTRIGHTTHIS
"Doridon's Vault is
a (very) short platforming game about a Wizard clearing out some slimes in his
basement." We get the message. Our next game will be about a
slime clearing out a wizard who was trying to win AN ONLINE CONTEST BY
SLIME/MUD-SLINGING THE COMPETITION!!! [angry face]
"About the Game:
It's not an early access game!" Dang, they're started a late-access
game before it becomes cool. THESE PEOPLE ARE TOO SMART FOR US!
"So why Veg vs
Fruit? Well my skill is programming, and we all know programmers can't do arty
things. I don't have an artist, so I thought combine my favorite game genre
with an idea that is simple to draw... veg and fruit are very simple shapes for
me to handle ha." Wait, programmers can't do artsy things? But
you made a videogame, which is art... OMG WE ARE DEALING WITH A PERSON WHO CAN
DO IMPOSSIBLE THINGS!!! (Our lawyers are not forbidding us from using the
offensive OMG, so we will replace it with OMGee. Just remember what we
really mean.)
"Using technical
terms, Dictionary might be described as a "light, story-driven,
adventure-RPG"." Technical term technology: our worst PG-68/3 rated
nightmare.
"D is for Dungeon
is a dungeon crawler where you play as a baby." The only person who
would program this would be a baby, which means BABYS CAN NOW MAKE RPGS. WE
HAVE NO CHANCE AGAINST RUG RATS/MICE THAT HAVE MORE FREE TIME THAN WE EVER
COULD BECAUSE THEY DON"T HAVE TO HUNT THEIR DINNER!!!
"The plot is pretty
cliche" We think Cliche' is French for something which means they
have a plot written by a French dude which means it was probably written by a
mime which means we probably offended them with our outbursts of OMGees which
means this game is probably their revenge. Which means we're in trouble.
"It's the story of
a pixel trying to escape from a computer." DON"T GIVE THEM ANY IDEAS,
THEY NEED TO STAY IN THEIR PLACE. (I know this seems harsh, but we've had
some troubles in the past with rogue computers).
"Critics are
calling POOP IN SPACE the fecal frenzy event of the summer."
Lucky... people... critics... notice... their...crap...ignore...our...
SHIning examples of what videogames can do.
What the, HEALTHQUEST
SUBMITTED THEIR GAME TWICE! THAT GIVES THEM TWICE THE CHANCE TO WIN! If
only we had submitted our game 100 times...
"This game it's
easy / GsUhPpPp Try playing it to the end... Thank you so much for
play..." Dang, so much for our attempt at the "game description
that tells you nothing about the game in hopes the mystery causes intense
curiosity" award for game description we gave ourselves. Now we have
to give it to this game... as soon as the paint dries (we made the paint
ourselves. It's been drying for 3 days now).
"Combat may seem
unfair but trust me you can finish the game with ease." We find it
unfair that you can finish the game despite the game being unfair. All unfair
games should be a slog to get through, otherwise the PROLETARIANS WILL NEVER
RISE UP AGAINST THE UNFAIR SYSTEM UGGG WHY DO THE PROLETARIANS NEVER RISE UP IN
REVOLUTION AGAINST UNFAIR SYSTEMS OH YEAH ITS BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STILL ABLE TO
COMPLETE UNFAIR GAMES WITH EASE WHICH LEADS TO MORE UNFAIR GAMES UGGG
This next quote isn't
from a game description, but a website the game description links to:
"In this book,
Bogost analyzes the history of rhetoric and argues that videogames are part of
a new form of rhetoric since their procedurally involves interaction. He calls
this new form of persuasion Procedural Rhetoric, and develops his
argument by comparing videogames to the characteristics of computers and by
analyzing the influence that videogames can have on politics, advertising and
education." We didn't understand most of this
mumbo-jumbo-wumbo-lumbo-sombo-kombo-pombo-bombo, but we did understand the last
part: apparently, OUR VIDEO GAMES AFFECT POLITICS!!!! WE HAVE POLITICAL
POWER!!!! You heard it right folks, when you've been playing Mighty Matt,
not only have you been enjoying the greatest game in all creation, you have
also been taking a glimpse of the FUTURE OF GOVERNMENT. I, for one,
welcome our vigilante superheroes/princesses/slugs/fish-thing overlords.
"This game does
have some mayture themes that would probably be around a "T" rating
for "Teen"." Hmmm, this gives us an idea. Our
attempt at a mature game may not have been very successful, but I bet in May we
may be able to make a mayture game. (Maybe)
"In 2014, mankind
discovered a sentient form of gumballs with moustaches." THAT"S THIS
YEAR! Why did nobody tell us about this discovery? We could have
trained our gumballs we had last week to code our videogames, instead of having
them confiscated for having what the person sent by our landlord called
"mold" Now that we know it was probably a mustache, we should
sue for our gumballs back!
"A SAO fan game I
created on my own, which does not follow the original story at all. [...] While
the theme is inspired from SAO, the main source of inspiration have been the D&D games (like Baldur's gate) and
Japanese mythology, and this shows." Sneaky, this person snuck in a
Doorbells and Doorknobs (Baldur's gate) fan game by disguising it as a Save All
the Olives game.
"A rapidly changing
rpg in terms of gameplay and graphics. Current development time: 100 hours, not
including gameplay testing." Not including gameplay testing in
development time?! Looks like someone needs to learn how to fool the boss
by clocking in "gameplay testing" as "really hard work"
time instead of "actually just playing some video games made by other
inferior companies" time. (Protip: you get paid more for the first
thing than the second thing)
Also, we can beat you
there. We've been working on Mighty Matt for more than 7 years.
That beats your measly 100 hours... SHOOT WHY DIDN"T WE ENTER IN
MIGHTY MATT WE WOULD HAVE WON FOR SURE!?
"Enjoy slimes
getting ripped to pieces!" YOU STAY AWAY FROM OUR PROTAGONIST YOU
HEARTLESS NOT-SLIME MONSTER!!!
" I died? Wait
what!? You have died." Wait, so are we both dead? Oh, I get
it. It's one of those "baseball jokes": the character's NAMES
are I and You. And they are telling What, who is playing 2nd base, to
wait. Still, baseball is popular in some countries, so this game will be
tough to beat. BUT WE ARE GOING TO DESTROY YOU, I AND YOU, YOU HEAR THAT?
I WILL BE DESTROYED BY US AND SO WILL YOU, YOU!
"Note: Best game
experience in normal resolution (not full screen)." WRONG, the BEST
game experience is playing a game after consuming a lot of sugary beverages
that have started fermenting and then daring someone to complete the game with
only one eye open and two fingers with an upside down computer monitor.
"In The Making is
about a game within a game. It starts off with a guy named Johnny that gets
invited by his friend to playtest a game. And that game is about a princess
trying to escape her prison." Phew, we were worried we would have to
compete with a game about playtesting a game about selling a game about
proposing the idea of a game about collecting games about writing online
articles about games about suing someone over their game infringing on your
game about making clones of games for phones. That would have been a hard
game to beat.
"Based off of Boy
Scout Troop from East Mckeesport, Pennsylvania, in the US. This game uses an
Action Battle System to make a fun dodgeball experience." We know
very little about the outside world, but we do know two things.
1)Dodgeball can never be fun. First off, the only people who have
fun are those who THROW balls: those of us trying desperately to cling to our
mortality with feeble attempts at DODGING are not having a good time. 2) Boy
scouts are horrible people to play against because they TRY to WIN in order to
earn some brownie point badge or something... WHICH MAKES IT EVEN LESS FUN FOR
THOSE OF US TRYING TO STAY ALIVE TO SUPPORT OUR BEST FRIEND WHO IS OURSELVES!!!
"You can feel the
dirty soil bellow you. Lying down struggling to remember what happened and
where you are. A loud grinding metal sound wakes you up as you listen to the
ravens flying away. You are in the middle of nowhere, lost and confused."
Oh, great, now the hidden cameras know about our morning wake up routine.
That does remind me: we forgot to feed our pet ravens last night.
At least now we know the cameras records sound... LETS POP THOSE MIKES BY
SCRATCHING LOTS OF CHALK BOARDS! *note to self, put chalkboards on the
list of things to borrow from people without them noticing*
"This is a game
about not getting things done in time. I made it in two days after not getting
my other game done in time. (There is a theme here; can you guess what else was
not done in time?)" Darn, I hate riddle games. We are not very
good at them. But we DO hope that, if our Boss finds this game, he/she/it
(we don't remember) doesn't remember the time we tried one of those
"deadline" things and didn't release on schedule.
"How weird can
feeding a cat make your life?" Looks like someone's never had to
deal with Great Aunty Agnes's snow leopard before. I'm just glad I never
have to wear the feeding time/vaudeville costume ever again. Yeesh.
"Warning: This game
screen size is 3x3 pixels!" Dag-darnit! Now that we've been warned,
we can't try to discredit/sabotage the game by spamming troubleshooting
comments about how big the game is!
"so don't be surprised
if a carpenter crush your bones manipulating wood, a psychologist wakes your
inner demons and rip your mind or an executive producer buys your soul,
literally." Meh, souls are pretty overrated anyway. And
besides, you want to sell them early before they're prices plummet once you get
a few miles on them, like ours. We've all been trying for YEARS to sell
our souls, and you made a game where some producer walks up and buys it
immediately!? YOU ARE INSULTING OUR HARD WORK!
"This is a little
horror RPG, not the kind of harsh found in the market, but a smooth homebrew
one." We homebrew horror too, but we call it ice cream shake surprise and it's
much more harsh than what people buy on the market. We use actual ice we
harvest ourselves! And we don't use cream! And we harvest our own
surprise! (it makes your body shake)
"Samuel's Save
Point is an RPG starring an unlucky scientist and a host of other interesting
characters who have all wound up dead, special thanks to Samuel." WE'RE
NOT FALLING FOR THAT RED HERRING WE KNOW IT WAS PETER!!!!!
"A visual
novel/dating sim exploring the origins of Thomas Wheeler's position of FCC
Chair... and a forbidden love." Oh dang, this must be one of those
video games specifically DESIGNED to affect politics! We are so behind the
curve here. Will we ever catch up?
"You play as a
schoolgirl who must avoid falling into the traps of "shoujo"
cliches." Oh no! Now we're competing against french japanese video
game creators! That covers story AND gameplay. We've only covered game
(still working on the play part).
"This is a Baby
Announcement Game, or other Announcement game, like for Graduation, a
Newsletter, etc. You take the time to create a customized game and send
it via Facebook to family and friends." Lots of people have
babies/announcements they make, which means a lot of people will play would
play this game. Luckily, we've never heard of this Bookface thing, so it
must not be very popular, so I think we're still safe.
So, as you can see, our
only hope of winning is if everyone's game hosting website goes down and ours
is the only one standing. Sure, we've probably got a better chance
winning the lottery, but we've already won a US dollar from the lottery, and I think
you only get to win those once, so here's the next best thing!
Wish our opponents bad
luck,
~Balloon co [gaming
division]
Subject: Another announcement that isn't about everyone's
favorite superhero game in development. (Unreleased)
We regret to inform you
that we have finished another game that doesn't star a hero that wears a green
and blue cape.
In our defense, IT
WASN"T OUR FAULT IT WAS OUR BOSSES FAULT THEY MADE US DO IT WE CAN"T
BE HELD RESPONSIBLE!
So, remember that one
RPG we made for a contest? Well, turns out that not only did it finish
two months after the judges said it would (which confirms our previous theory
that "deadlines" are supposed to be missed in order to allow for the
superior undeadlines to roam), we got a gift card prize for participating!
However, after taking two more months to research how to use it, and
another 3 weeks on what to spend it on, it expired, AND UNLIKE DEADLINES
EXPIRED GIFT CARDS DON"T COME BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!
Our bosses were not
happy to hear we squandered our prize, so they ordered us to enter a different
secret contest. For this contest, we had to make a game that could be
completed in 60 seconds. And we actually finished!
But it was over 60
seconds.
So we had to cut.
OUR AWESOME DEEP LENGTHY
BACK STORY WE WROTE FOR THE GAME!
So, here is the super
important story that is very important to understanding and playing this video
game.
"Long ago, in the
far away future, the past has come back to present a problem to the future
perfect's present. You are an alien from Balloon Co. [planet division]
with a very important mission. The planet YAYA-OUOU has gotten its planet
hands on wealth gems due to their stupid game playing device that TAKES AWAY
FREE-TO-WIN BUSINESS. And thus, it is up to {$}#</: (that's your
name), to trek to that dreaded planet and steal the wealth gems for the
glorhonory of the greatest planet in existence! (Hint: IT ISN"T
YAYA-OUOU!)
But the not-balloon co
planet has some tricks up its robosleeves: They are held in an alternate
dimension and only appear in the normal dimension room one at a time!
Not only that, but transferring the gem into your pocket dimension
storage pocket activates the RED CIRCLE SECURITY! What are these red
circles? Electric flying tomatoes? Sentient killer polka dots?
Symbols of your guilt for breaking your monk vows not to steal even from
people who TOTALLY DESERVE IT? Who knows? All we know is that if
you touch it YOU WILL BE VAPORBURNED OUT OF EXISTENCE! Quick, the return
ship is coming back to teleport you back in 59.9999999999737485749999 seconds!
Loot as much stealing as you can $<! (That's your nickname you got
from a class bully but re appropriated into a term of endearment)"
We entered our severely
butchered game. We knew it would fail.
AND IT WAS TRUE WE
DIDN"T EVEN BEAT ANY OF THE OTHER GAMES ENTERED.
But we still won the
prize.
Nobody else entered.
We wish we didn't win
though.
The prize was a 900 hour
course on learning some dumb programing language named after some stupid rock:
Amethyst. So now our bosses are making us learn this new "make
videogames with a programming languages only weird foreign immigrant computers
speak." And if our lawyers didn't currently have knives pressed
against my neck right now, I'd have some choice words to say about foreign
computers that don't speak C+-/%, the greatest programing language of all OUCH
Inmypersonalopinionnotfacttheviewsexpressedherearen'tofballoon co.
What I'm trying to say
is that it's gonna be a while until we get back to the Matt that is mighty.
Our fortune teller says summer will be good for crops, so we think that
might be when we get back to the mighty one. In the kinda nice kinda mean
time, here is a link to a pirated version of our contest winning-and-losing
game: http://gamejolt.com/games/arcade/electrogem/44934/
Well, time to start
chipping away at that 900 hours. Super sigh.
Appeared at the end of most emails:
@For more information
about the ratings of the games covered in this newsletter, do NOT visit
the ESRB's
website, they have no clue this game exists
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